Note: This is the first post of many that walks through what I went through in 2019. I’ve been writing as a form of therapy, and it is mentally draining and exhausting to detail every up and down my life has been on. I am hoping that by doing this in multiple parts, it will allow me process everything. If I find it helpful for 2019, I will probably write about previous years as well. Welcome to my stream of consciousness.
One year ago I made a tough and scary decision. I walked away from steady employment. I enjoyed the work I was doing, but the environment was wrecking my emotional and mental health.
Thankfully, I was able to quickly find another job. It seemed like a great fit and I was so excited about it. About a month and a half into the new gig, I herniated a disc (L5-S1) in my back again. I went from an eager new hire who spent the day learning as much as possible to a miserable new hire who spent the day in crippling pain and having regular panic attacks. I walked away (well, limped) from what seemed like the perfect job to focus on healing my back.
I received an epidural steroid that didn’t take, so the pain specialist said he couldn’t do anything more for me. I was referred to a physical therapist and a surgeon. PT said because of the leg pain associated with the herniation that there wasn’t anything he could do for me. The surgeon said the herniation wasn’t bad enough to cut so there wasn’t anything he could do for me. Even my psychologist told me she couldn’t do anything more for me since my issues were all situational.
Hearing that medical professionals can’t do anything to improve my situation was a huge set back. I spent 2019 trying to adapt to my new normal, and it’s still something I am getting used to on a daily basis.
lisa kot stutzman 